She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
