i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can text with my tongue
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize