I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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