i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize