need another drink. this is the easiest way
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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