Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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