Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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