I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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