How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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