nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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