Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
