Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
