Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize