I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize