Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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