You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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