Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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