Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
