Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
