I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
