I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was born a porn star she said
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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