when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
