Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
