If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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