you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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