we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
