we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
