Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
