i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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