I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
