So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
