and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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