i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So. Much. Porn.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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