I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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