Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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