I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
