You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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