Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
