You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
