I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
