You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
