Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
