My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
