Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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