im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
