it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize