just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
