last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
