Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
