i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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