He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
