I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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