If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
