laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
