A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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