can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
