well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
