i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
