Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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