i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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