I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
