i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
