Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
