Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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