Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just found a bag of teeth...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
