it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
