I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
