god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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